Original Line Inside of me He consumed me and shreds my insides
New Line: In the floating stardust, confined by skin of a girl with fleeting memory of happiness, and chocolate frizz but milk white skin, he scratched at the walls until he lost all his fingernails, and ripped away at my seems.
Meh: We strut down the lazy city streets with smug grins emulating our weird swagger Astounding Brilliance: We strut down the melting city streets, with the sweltering city heat creating smug, psyco, phycedelic grins on our tired faces
Original Line: You were a handsome young man, however this never benefited you this only enhanced people wanting to rape or kill you. New Line: From the Darkest Realms of your world lurked your worst nightmares, like predators they hunted and stalked you pressuring you to make moves that you would call lucky situations in your far future.
Original Line: The more she spoke, the less I heard NEW LINE: the plenty filled white noise she communicates was a glass half empty filled with disappointment
Original: Speak your Amharic Ethiopian spice trace these lips and puncture this throbbing tongue Remind throbbing tongue how to whistle that non Arabic almost Arabic sound
Original: it hurt me deep in the hurt Revised: like a nightmare that never ends, with endless chases and screams till your death, mushed and torn apart my heart ached
Original: The gray and yellow walls of the hospital room swirled together into one big gray blob Revised: The walls of muffled screams and sterilized joy swirl together in the land of lost hope, forming a monster
Original: I am dead and you are dead next to me--it’s crazy how the only way we can live together is four feet underground when we’re lying lifeless and rotting together in the house of dirt, decay and debri.
New: We are both lying lifeless and rotting together in the house of dirt, decay and debris.
Original: A language you tried but could never understand New: A language you've tried but could never understand, his name a chime like waves breaking softly
Original line: if a score is a net, why does it grate the veins inside your elbows?
ReplyDeleteNew line: spindles of mesh coat the webs between your intestines.
Orginal: While I try to draw a bridge
ReplyDeleteNew line: An outlining of lies Connecting the dreams
Original Line Inside of me He consumed me and shreds my insides
ReplyDeleteNew Line: In the floating stardust, confined by skin of a girl with fleeting memory of happiness, and chocolate frizz but milk white skin, he scratched at the walls until he lost all his fingernails, and ripped away at my seems.
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ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteOriginal line: Because now I understand the reason they call it falling in love, is that you may fall right out of it just as quick
New Line: And with my present position in time I’ve digested that Shakespearean serendipity resides where titans clash.
Original line: And as the light fades
ReplyDeleteThe white sands wisp away
New : And as earth’s candle is put out with a single, frigid droplet of water
The blanket of white sands curl up in the air, and wisp away
Meh: We strut down the lazy city streets with smug grins emulating our weird swagger
ReplyDeleteAstounding Brilliance: We strut down the melting city streets, with the sweltering city heat creating smug, psyco, phycedelic grins on our tired faces
My thoughts are the burglar I readily point in the direction of my valuables
ReplyDeleteI arm my own demons with Weapons of Mass (self) Destruction
Original Line: You were a handsome young man, however this never benefited you this only enhanced people wanting to rape or kill you.
ReplyDeleteNew Line: From the Darkest Realms of your world lurked your worst nightmares, like predators they hunted and stalked you pressuring you to make moves that you would call lucky situations in your far future.
Original Line: The more she spoke, the less I heard
ReplyDeleteNEW LINE: the plenty filled white noise she communicates was a glass half empty filled with disappointment
original:But now I can’t even fathom the idea of looking at you without thinking about that day.
ReplyDeletenew: The nagging persistence of mother's voice mocks the very existence of your presence creating an empty shallowness with what sapiens call life.
Original: Speak your Amharic
ReplyDeleteEthiopian spice trace these lips and puncture this throbbing tongue
Remind throbbing tongue how to whistle that non Arabic almost Arabic sound
Original: fell down from the swing
ReplyDeleteRevised: Succumbed to the playful wind, quite in oblivion, let slip of the to and fro
Original: it hurt me deep in the hurt
ReplyDeleteRevised: like a nightmare that never ends, with endless chases and screams till your death, mushed and torn apart my heart ached
Original: Because you don't know yet, because why should you?
ReplyDeleteRevised: Because you are blissfully unaware, because you are not compelled to know.
Original: The swift and kicking rivers
ReplyDeleteRevised: The cool blue streams of liquid ice which jerks like dancing bones
Original: The gray and yellow walls of the hospital room swirled together into one big gray blob
ReplyDeleteRevised: The walls of muffled screams and sterilized joy swirl together in the land of lost hope, forming a monster
Original: Muskrats on the shore
ReplyDeleteCurrent: Infernos of vodka on the shore,
Original: I'm a foreign alien who is mysteriously unusual
ReplyDeleteNew: A body that lingers in dead space with light colors surrounding me
ReplyDeleteOriginal: I am dead and you are dead next to me--it’s crazy how the only way we can live together is four feet underground when we’re lying lifeless and rotting together
in the house of dirt, decay and debri.
New: We are both lying lifeless and rotting together in the house of dirt, decay and debris.
Original: A language you tried but could never understand
ReplyDeleteNew: A language you've tried but could never understand, his name a chime like waves breaking softly